This week:

I made myself more and more nervous with each passing moment.

I read:

"So Close," "The Couples Guide to In Vitro Fertilization," and "Navigating the Land of IF." I also found (and immediately became obsessed with) Resolve.org. However, the more I learn about the process we are about to begin, the more fearful and anxious I become.

Also - J. is in Vegas this weekend for his best friend's bachelor party. I am feeling lonely. Which is strange. Because usually I enjoy (really, really enjoy) extra alone time.

It's just me and Esther and we're both a little lost.

Changes.

So, I have changed the title of this blog as much has changed over the past couple of days and I imagine much will continue to change over the course of the next few weeks/months/etc.

I feel better knowing J. and I have a diagnosis and are on our way to developing a plan.

I like plans.

For right now, I know that we need to accomplish the following:

1. Get blood work done to determine whether or not J. 100% has cystic fibrosis and to make sure I'm not a carrier.
2. Speak with insurance to determine what it is exactly that our coverage covers.
3. Schedule appointments with fertility clinics and find a doctor/team we are comfortable with.
4. Meet with Dr. A. again in about 5 weeks to review our blood work and if J. does have cystic fibrosis, to schedule surgery for his semen extraction.
5. Figure out when to begin fertility meds.
6. IVF steps.

Dr. A. said that if we begin all of this now, I will probably start the meds in July and have eggs removed and embryos implanted by the beginning of September.

Scary.

And confusing.

I have been reading as much as possible about all of this online and I don't understand half of what it is I come across. And forget about insurance questions. I don't even know what to ask or what the answers I get will mean. All of the websites I've visited use these acronyms that I don't quite understand. It's like I can't even help myself feel better quite yet because I'm not sure how to navigate through all of the information I keep finding...

This has not been a great couple of days, to be sure.

I am ordering some books that hopefully will help explain some of this.

More later.

News.

J. has cystic fibrosis which has caused congenital absence of the bi-lateral vas deferens. We will therefore have to begin IVF treatments if we are going to conceive.

Very sad and scared.

Weekend Retreat:

Dress Hunting:

I am looking for dresses to wear to all of the upcoming Summer/early Autumn weddings J. and I have scheduled. It seems to that all of our friends who didn't get married the year we did are getting married now! Also a plus would be something I could possibly bring on the possible cruise we are possibly taking possibly mid-Summer...

But...

...our tree in the backyard is blooming! That is super exciting. Pictures soon.

Weekend?

It is early on Saturday morning and I am up, showered, and about to go to PSAT training even though I didn't get in until 11:15 last night because of school obligations that weren't really obligations but totally were, if you know what I mean.

This year continues to frustrate me to no end. I am trying to be positive and reflective and address the role that I've played in making this a crappy year for myself but still. Sometimes (more and more frequently, I admit) enough feels like enough.

Home.

Vacation is now almost an afterthought. Not ready to go back to work. Will try to spend as much time in the sunshine over the course of the next two days as possible.

J. is at the doctor now doing all of his tests. He was nervous last night. And uncomfortable about the process.

I need some coffee.

Not a charming conversationalist this morning.