Waiting:

Still.

Period this week? Day 3 test to follow...

This week:

I made myself more and more nervous with each passing moment.

I read:

"So Close," "The Couples Guide to In Vitro Fertilization," and "Navigating the Land of IF." I also found (and immediately became obsessed with) Resolve.org. However, the more I learn about the process we are about to begin, the more fearful and anxious I become.

Also - J. is in Vegas this weekend for his best friend's bachelor party. I am feeling lonely. Which is strange. Because usually I enjoy (really, really enjoy) extra alone time.

It's just me and Esther and we're both a little lost.

Changes.

So, I have changed the title of this blog as much has changed over the past couple of days and I imagine much will continue to change over the course of the next few weeks/months/etc.

I feel better knowing J. and I have a diagnosis and are on our way to developing a plan.

I like plans.

For right now, I know that we need to accomplish the following:

1. Get blood work done to determine whether or not J. 100% has cystic fibrosis and to make sure I'm not a carrier.
2. Speak with insurance to determine what it is exactly that our coverage covers.
3. Schedule appointments with fertility clinics and find a doctor/team we are comfortable with.
4. Meet with Dr. A. again in about 5 weeks to review our blood work and if J. does have cystic fibrosis, to schedule surgery for his semen extraction.
5. Figure out when to begin fertility meds.
6. IVF steps.

Dr. A. said that if we begin all of this now, I will probably start the meds in July and have eggs removed and embryos implanted by the beginning of September.

Scary.

And confusing.

I have been reading as much as possible about all of this online and I don't understand half of what it is I come across. And forget about insurance questions. I don't even know what to ask or what the answers I get will mean. All of the websites I've visited use these acronyms that I don't quite understand. It's like I can't even help myself feel better quite yet because I'm not sure how to navigate through all of the information I keep finding...

This has not been a great couple of days, to be sure.

I am ordering some books that hopefully will help explain some of this.

More later.

News.

J. has cystic fibrosis which has caused congenital absence of the bi-lateral vas deferens. We will therefore have to begin IVF treatments if we are going to conceive.

Very sad and scared.

Doctor.

So.

Doctor Round 1 - We found out, essentially, nothing.

J. has to have several round of tests/analysis done in the next couple of weeks and then will see another Doctor at the end of April who will then let us know how he feels we should proceed.

Apparently, our options are for J. to have the surgical procedure or to have sperm extracted through a less invasive procedure; the extraction would then involve IVF procedures for me, though.

Not sure how I feel.

I guess I think we should do whatever statistically will make the most sense for us.

And we won't know what that will be until April.

Which is frustrating.

I'd like to get on with this.

Also - terrible work. Hate it. Trying to be positive and start over but I just can't wrap my brain/heart around how to do that. Just sort of want to run away and start fresh somewhere else at something else entirely.

Really?

This afternoon my manicurist scolded me for not having any children yet. According to her, four years is too long to be married without having children.

Now, I took this in stride and sort of brushed it off. But. What if I couldn't have children? What if I'd been trying to have children for the past four years without success? What if I'd miscarried? Or had to terminate a pregnancy?

Or what if I just didn't want to have children?

I feel like far too often people harass me (although usually with good intentions, this is true) about not having kids yet. And clearly I'm starting to become increasingly sensitive.

What if I had answered honestly?

I could have said:

My husband's penis is broken. We're waiting to have it repaired.

My husband wasn't ready to have children until very recently; he's bi-polar and for awhile he didn't know if he wanted to stay married.

My husband is bi-polar and his sister is clinically depressed and has OCD and my father is a recovering drug addict and my mother is addicted to pain meds; we're not sure we trust our gene pool.

But of course, I just tipped her.

Appointment.

Decided to keep looking for a doctor and made a new appointment to meet with a new doctor Jay is sort of satisfied with March 12th. So, of course, until March 12th we both be separate bundles of nerves who avoid discussing what is making us so nervous until one (or the both) of us accidentally drinks an entire bottle of red wine.

Not that this has happened before.

I would think that after eight years of togetherness, six years of co-habitation, and almost four years of marriage we'd be more comfortable talking about things that make us uncomfortable. We are, however, not. I am also not comfortable with total daytime nudity or smelly farts when I'm not also farting. Also, I still hate football. And wish he didn't spend my money buying sneakers.

And this makes me think of something that occurred to me this weekend. We were out shopping for apartment stuff. I wanted a jewelery stand I'd seen at Urban Outfitters (it's a white tree...really great...love it) and to hunt around for other stuff for the new china cabinet and bookcase configuration we have going on in the dining room. In buying this stuff and then arranging it here back at home, it made me feel like certain spaces in the apartment (i.e. every room except for the living room) is mine. Like, the way the bedroom is decorated? Is pretty much how my bedroom would be decorated if I lived alone. And the dining room? There is no real J. there either. Primarily because he couldn't have cared less while we picking out the furniture...and does not really care at all about things like where does all of wedding serve ware go. But still.

Are all homes like that?

Or, more interestingly, how does he feel about that? Does he feel like a guest in his own bedroom?

I love our bedroom. I spend most of my time in the apartment there. I mean, in the new apartment, the living room is downstairs and is sort of dark and we haven't made it seem warm and cozy yet, so I guess it's understandable. But I've always, in all of our apartments, favored our bedroom.

Also, to be honest, if I asked J. if this whole bedroom thing bothered him and he said yes? I'm not sure I'd be so open to changing much. Like, if I were to say, "J., what would make you feel more at home in this room?" and his reply was, "I would like to hang these needlepoint guns I got for $1 at the Salvation Army in 1998," I'd probably have to say no.

Although he doesn't have needlepoint guns. That would maybe be kind of cool enough to squeeze in. So perhaps that was a bad example.

Unrelated thought: I never want to go back to work ever again. I don't want to plan another lesson or grade another late essay. I don't want to see my children or put my sad lunch in the teacher's refrigerator EVER AGAIN.

Not good. Many weeks left in this year. Oy.

New adventures.

So, we are officially going about the business of making a baby.

We can't just up and do this like most people our age (get drunk and accidentally create a new life post-happy hour); J. needs to have a medical procedure done first so that the procreating can get underway. This week we began looking for a doctor/surgeon with whom we could schedule an appointment with who also accepts our insurance - which was difficult at best. I'm not sure how people did this before the internet.

And J. is weird about talking to people about this (even his parents who very clearly are aware of the situation) so it's not like I can just post on Facebook "Hey - we need a urologist who performs microsurgery and accepts GHI...any recommendations?" and really, the whole process of even figuring out how to use our insurance for this (what if we go with a doctor out of network; what are the co-pays involved; how does our hospital insurance differ from our regular coverage; if a doctor isn't covered by our carrier but is covered by our hospital plan, do we have to pay out of network...the list goes on and on and on...)

And this is all so time consuming. J. made an appointment for the beginning of March and we're now hoping to have the procedure done over Spring break at the end of March which means that we can't actually get to getting it on until the end of May and everything I've read over the past few months says that after this procedure is done it typically takes between 6 months to a year to conceive...IF you're able to naturally conceive after all is said and done.

So I'm a little stressed out. Wondering all of the time how and when this is all going to happen. All the while furtively looking at nursery bedding and maternity dresses like a weirdo.

Apartment.

Things done:

Kitchen and Dining room were painted before we moved in.

Everything was cleaned.

Bedroom is curtained. Three pictures have been hung. Closet organized.

Dining room furniture has been delivered. Serving pieces and fun stuff are on display.

Kitchen island is assembled and cabinets are organized.

Living room furniture is assembled and DVDs and records are organized. Old towels have been put out in the half bath downstairs. The closets down there are a mess of out of season clothes and luggage.

The office is unpacked but unorganized. The filing cabinet is not put together. We still need to get new legs for the desk and curtains that make sense. There is not enough space to put all of the nonsense that is in there away in any meaningful organizational type functional way. So when we put a baby in there? And have to find other places for all of the crap currently laying on the floor behind me? The apartment is going to feel a lot smaller.

To do (related to apartment):

Purchase curtains for the dining room and office, new legs for the desk, lamps for the dining room and bedroom, and possibly another bookcase for the office. Assemble the filing cabinet for the office and put stuff like J.'s bike wheel in the garage. Get cord organizer for under desk (!!!).

To do (unrelated to apartment):

Plan rest of Persuasive Unit, see doctor about making baby, freak out about making baby, make baby.