Waiting:

Still.

Period this week? Day 3 test to follow...

Venetian Mirror | Serena & Lily

Venetian Mirror | Serena & Lily

Up and Down.

We went to meet with an RE a friend of mine from work recommended (she used him and is now pregnant) last Monday. I really like him and was excited by our conversation. He took blood for J. and I as we need to be screened for a variety of genetic issues and I had a sonogram which revealed that everything seems to be in good working order. I will be going back for some additional tests near the end of the month to ascertain what my hormones level are and at that point we will begin IVF cycle #1.

I felt really good for most of last week - like we were finally headed somewhere. I felt like we had a direction. Like I knew exactly what our next steps were going to be and that felt great. Part of what's been really hard for me is all of the waiting we've had to do. Waiting to get appointments. Waiting for test results. Waiting for diagnoses. Waiting for more test results...Last week I felt like the waiting was coming to an end.

So I felt good.

But yesterday was Mother's Day. Which made me sad. Really, really, really sad.

And today my best friend told me she is 6 weeks pregnant.

Which made me really happy. But also really sad. Which of course made me feel guilty.

And now I'm just sitting around feeling. Lots.

Debbie Downer:

I'm not having an easy time this weekend. J. being away seems to have left me with a quiet house, a whiny dog, and a mind that won't stop.

I wandered around the neighborhood before and picked up some tshirts. Went to the bookstore. Couldn't find a thing. I must have picked up every book in the store only to put them all down. It was very frustrating.

I am, if nothing else, a reader. Not being able to find something that captured my attention was off-putting. I wound up bringing home three books (one used - a $3 score) but haven't been able to really jump into any of them.

I wanted to sit outside but Esther just wants to bark at all of our neighbors.

Trying to do laundry.

Wishing we had our AC installed already.

Cranky. Teary. Tired.

Ate ate ate ate all weekend long. Not good. Depressed and binging.

I am going to call the fertility center one of J.'s friends from work recommended to us tomorrow. Proactive has to feel better than quiet wallowing.

Feeling sad.

That's all.

So:

In the backyard:

- the azalea are blooming...

- the hydrangea are blooming...

- the grass is mowed...

- the planters are ready...

- the sun is shining...

It's all quite pretty. Easy to forget we're in the middle of NYC sitting back there. Except for the sounds of our neighbors. And the garbage trucks. And the buses. But still.

This week:

I made myself more and more nervous with each passing moment.

I read:

"So Close," "The Couples Guide to In Vitro Fertilization," and "Navigating the Land of IF." I also found (and immediately became obsessed with) Resolve.org. However, the more I learn about the process we are about to begin, the more fearful and anxious I become.

Also - J. is in Vegas this weekend for his best friend's bachelor party. I am feeling lonely. Which is strange. Because usually I enjoy (really, really enjoy) extra alone time.

It's just me and Esther and we're both a little lost.